The Last Year

I've been meaning to write about something for a while now but haven't gotten around to it. Luckily, my sister and sister-in-law have inspired me to give everyone an update and share the thoughts I have been meaning to share. I normally consider facebook to be my blog but this one will be a bit different. First, it's far too long to share on a status update. Second, it's really not for everyone to see - not at this point anyway. I wanted to share this with those that I know have gone through this, are going through this, or have been there for me at some point during this phase of life. Sometimes I wonder what others' experiences were like and I thought that you might wonder too so, here you go! A few of you were made aware of this because I thought you just might want to know. :)

It's been just over a year since my divorce was final. It's been a long road and so much different than I expected it would be. It is a long process, at least it has been for me, with different phases that come and go and just keep on coming. Just when I think I have it down, something else changes and I find myself adjusting again and learning a new lesson. Most of these lessons have come as a complete surprise to me and most were pretty hard. But when all is said and done, I am grateful for them and how much they have helped me grow. Divorce has been a tough teacher. In a way, she's a real bitch but she gets the job done! So, before you read on, know that's what this post is about - the things I have learned from this.

When the decision was made, I thought it would be easy, that I would never question it and that I would be fine. None of that turned out to be true. I was fine for a while, not fine for quite a while, and am now at the point of being fine with it again. For a while I couldn't say whether or not I had done the right thing. In a way, I still can't say it was the "right" thing to do. I know that most people say that we are both better off and we are both happier and it would appear that is true. Sometimes I still struggle with the idea of having divorced the father of my children and calling it right.

So, whether or not he and I were supposed to get divorced, I can't say. Are we supposed to make the mistakes we do in order to get where we need to be or does the Universe adjust to us and our choices and guide us? I really don't know. I do know that I'd like to do what I can to make sure it never happens again so I'm trying like hell to take the lessons I've learned and move forward. I had to laugh at some of the earlier posts on this blog (they have been deleted so don't bother looking for them!) because it seems that there are lessons I have to learn over and over again before I actually get it! I guess that, sooner or later, they will stick.

First and foremost, I have learned alot about anger and the need to be right. I know I don't always get there but I try. It is inevitable to have a point during this whole thing where you have to take a serious look at yourself and think about your own mistakes and the role you played in getting where you are. When I did this, I thought about all the things I wished I had not said, had not written or had not communicated at all. Most of it seemed to stem from a need to be right. The worst part about needing to be right is that needing to prove someone else wrong is what follows. I've seen this cause damage to so many relationships and not just in my marriage but in my friendships and family as well. We take ourselves and our opinions too seriously and I am no longer willing to alienate a good person from my life because they do not agree with me. When it comes right down to it, if we all agreed on everything, the world would be one seriously boring place and I think there would be no point to us being here.

I read a quote the other day on tact. It said "Tact is the knack of making a point without making an enemy." (Sir Isaac Newton) Now HE is right! I'm trying to learn to make any point I need to make tactfully. Usually this means I just keep my mouth shut or choose not to respond. Once in a while I slip and, well, I guess it's a work in progress!

I have learned that a good pair of in-laws is a thing to be cherished. I did not appreciate them when I had them in that relationship and I think they know that. I do now and I'm not sure they know that. They have been good to me during this and are excellent grandparents to my children. They are the best of people and I am happy to continue to have them in my life in any aspect that I can. I don't get to see them as often as I did now that my ex-husband isn't staying with them anymore. I would like them to know that I miss that, I miss them, and that is another change I have found myself needing to adjust to. If and when I do get remarried, I hope to have in-laws like them again. If I seem to put a lot more effort into having a good relationship with the new in-laws than I did with the former in-laws, it's simply because I don't want to make the same mistake again. Now when I look back, I can easily see that not trying to have a good relationship with them is one of the biggest mistakes I have ever made. I used to be able to write people off easily and truly not miss them when they were gone. Luckily, I can't do that anymore and they are the reason why. I tried not to miss them but I couldn't do it. There really ought to be a place in divorce papers for visitation arrangements to be made with the in-laws. :)

I've learned a lot about goal-setting. I've always set goals and had dreams but I've learned to be a lot more patient with myself than I had been. I would get so frustrated that I hadn't gotten to the point I ought to be that it just caused so many problems. I still have the same goals but I'm learning to take them one step at a time and appreciate where I am today. I ache for an education and am getting there. But, instead of being frustrated about how long it is taking, I instead try to appreciate the job I have and understand that I have gotten to know people there and have experienced things I would not if I already had the degree I want. I still get impatient sometimes. I'd love to conquer my fear of heights and some days I think I'd love to just run and jump out of a plane on a whim (with a parachute on, naturally and some idea of how to use it!). Some day I'm sure I will but, really, conquering the rides at Lagoon this year will be enough of a triumph if that is all that happens!!

I am learning to let the past be the past and understand that it is that way for a reason. I have been fortunate enough to reconnect with many old friends over the past year. For the most part, this has been a wonderful experience. Unfortunately, this has not gone so well with a few people. I think it's true that, for the most part, people enter and leave our lives when they are meant to. I know we all have roles to play in each other's lives and things to teach each other. This is not only helpful in finding peace with the divorce but I think it makes it easier to understand these connections to others and try and take them for what they are and appreciate them for what they are meant to be. Sometimes I find myself wondering why certain people haven't been there all along. It can take some time to remember that it was because they were not supposed to be or that it was not right for me and/or for that person. I'm learning to not only be ok with that but to be happy about it and not question it.

I've learned that I have everything I need. I am always provided for, always loved, and never alone unless I have chosen to be. I have two wonderful children, two wonderful sisters and a brother that love me. I have so many supportive friends and continue to meet new ones and have old ones come back (gotta love facebook!!!). I have a good job and good place to call home. When it comes right down to it, I want for nothing. As my good friend Neal put it this morning (well, yesterday morning now), everything I love is right here. Who could ask for more than that?

I have learned to be happy just to be me. I've dated a bit since the divorce. Not much, but some. I really don't think it's the right time for me. I'm looking forward to being single for a while. Not that I don't love men, I do! And it isn't that I don't believe in love or hope to get remarried some day. I do! I am just finding the drama that can come with dating and the amount of time it takes too much of a sacrifice for me at this point. Right now I'd just like to focus on being a better mother and working toward some of those goals I've put off for so long. I've never been single this long and I find that I'm actually enjoying it! I'm sure it will happen some day and, like I said before, the right person will come along when he is supposed to. It's nice to know that because it leaves me free to live life and not worry about it. I'm having so much fun right now and have so many good people in my life.

I know that many of you reading this have been divorced and understand how hard it can be. In talking to many of you, I have realized how lucky I am that mine went the way it did. We rarely have an issue with each other and never fight. We are usually cordial, if not polite, to each other. I think we've probably made each other angry a few times but it's nothing like some of the the stories I've heard. We have been able to put our children's happiness first and I think we both do well in making sure our children have good relationships with each other and our families. I think we've been able to find a good balance between letting go and still caring. I know this is not usually how it goes and I am soooooo grateful! My ex-husband seems to have found someone who is a good match for him and I am happy for him. I have only met her very briefly but she seems very nice and the kids like her. Again, I am so grateful for that because I know it could be a lot different.

I have to say that the time I did meet her, I was nervous as hell and was just trying not to look. I couldn't help but notice something. She had one of her daughters with her. I saw the way that daughter looked at my ex and could tell he meant a lot to her. All I could think about was the fact that I would have given anything to experience that growing up and it made me proud of my ex-husband. I don't know that it should have or if I read it right but it did.

Thanks to those of you who have been patient with me and good to me and there for me through all of this. If you read all the way to the end of this, you are one of the patient ones!

I think that's it for now!

Peace out!