I started this post about a week ago when I was having a really hard time with the divorce and I did not finish it - didn't get past the title. But I think it's an important thing to write about.
I had been reading out of a book I have called Wisdom of the Ages by Wayne Dyer. It's basically a collection of writings by other authors, philosophers, etc. There is one that I have heard him use several times in speeches or books on tape that I have and I love it.
I saw grief drinking a cup of sorrow and called out, “It tastes sweet, does it not?” “You’ve caught me,” grief answered, “and you’ve ruined my business, how can I sell sorrow when you know it’s a blessing?”
Jalaluddin Rumi (1207 -1273)
(much of this post deleted...)
An old boss, Shona Cunningham told me when I found out I was expecting Liam that I would finally know what love was when I had him and she was so right. He and Quincy are so completely wonderful - sometimes I think they are all I need. I hope to find love again someday and be wise enough to recognize it when it is before me. Until then, my love for my children and my growing love and respect for myself will be more than enough to get me by.
Saturday, April 18, 2009
Friday, April 10, 2009
Dustin's Grandfather
Dustin's Grandfather passed away this morning. He seems to be doing allright. I haven't talked to Dustin's parents at all but I'm sure they're grieving. Dean loved his father and so did Lani. They were very close. My heart goes out to them all.
Thursday, April 2, 2009
My goals
I didn't really finish that last post - I ran out of time.
What I really want to write about these days are my goals and priorities. Maybe this is the place where I will keep track of how I'm doing. My two most important goals concerning myself are not smoking and losing weight. I've been on Chantix for a couple of weeks and it's helping. It's for the smoking and the idea is to block the cravings and I think it works well. The other half is just losing the habit so that's where I'm having a tough time. It's hard not to get up and leave my desk every few hours to go outside and inhale something so I'm trying to stretch the time I go out longer. If possible, I go walk around really fast for about ten minutes instead. I did OK yesterday while I was here (at work). I got a little irritable because I wanted everyone around me to be quiet! It gets hard to focus when you're dying to go out and smoke! But then I went home and went out with a cup of coffee. Before I knew it an hour had passed. I felt like hell and smelled like an ash tray. It was disgusting. Gotta watch that.
The weight loss is going... well, OK. My ultimate goal is 75 pounds which really is better than I thought it would be. It's hard to believe that there has been a time when that was closer to 100 so I'm considering myself lucky as far as that goes. I think I would be comfortable starting to date when I've lost 50. 75 pounds lost with being nice and toned and I think I would be smokin' hot! Still meat on my bones - still have curves but be in good enough shape to work it when I have the need - yes, you know what I mean! I'm trying not to think about laundry man but my McDreamy is out there somewhere!
I haven't been doing well with the exercising or the diet - I think I'm giving 40% effort on both the working out and the diet .... oh, excuse me.... lifestyle change! I've been living on lattes, cigarettes and toast for so long that to eat real food is sometimes a challenge. I just realized that I, once again, forgot to bring most of what I need for today but I am pretty sure I can get by while remaining healthy. Anyway, I haven't given up the coffee yet - I thought I was going to be able to stay away from the lattes but I've had 3 this week. So, no more lattes this week. In fact, I'm going to try to go without coffee tomorrow (can't say today because I've already had some) and do the green tea. It's good. I've done pretty well adding chicken, brown rice, fruits and some veggies back into the diet. My problem hasn't ever really been over eating - at least not for the last few years. It's just eating all the wrong things. I stopped eating meat but did not become a vegetarian! I became a carbitarian and got even bigger than I was before. So, I'm backing off the bad carbs (my yummy toast) and adding in the complex ones. As far as exercising goes, really all I've gotten done is some nice long walks and a lot of cleaning. I'm motivated to get this done, but not as motivated as I would like to be. Hopefully this weekend will be a turn around. It's spring cleaning weekend and I plan on getting everything done so it will be the last weekend I have to give up my time with the kids completely! I will try to prepare myself mentally today and tomorrow so that I can get it going!
So, I weighed and measured everything last Sunday. I will do that every Sunday and post my results and progress here. Maybe no one is interested now but I'm sure that someday I can help someone else lose weight so I don't mind writing it down and being accountable to someone.
What I really want to write about these days are my goals and priorities. Maybe this is the place where I will keep track of how I'm doing. My two most important goals concerning myself are not smoking and losing weight. I've been on Chantix for a couple of weeks and it's helping. It's for the smoking and the idea is to block the cravings and I think it works well. The other half is just losing the habit so that's where I'm having a tough time. It's hard not to get up and leave my desk every few hours to go outside and inhale something so I'm trying to stretch the time I go out longer. If possible, I go walk around really fast for about ten minutes instead. I did OK yesterday while I was here (at work). I got a little irritable because I wanted everyone around me to be quiet! It gets hard to focus when you're dying to go out and smoke! But then I went home and went out with a cup of coffee. Before I knew it an hour had passed. I felt like hell and smelled like an ash tray. It was disgusting. Gotta watch that.
The weight loss is going... well, OK. My ultimate goal is 75 pounds which really is better than I thought it would be. It's hard to believe that there has been a time when that was closer to 100 so I'm considering myself lucky as far as that goes. I think I would be comfortable starting to date when I've lost 50. 75 pounds lost with being nice and toned and I think I would be smokin' hot! Still meat on my bones - still have curves but be in good enough shape to work it when I have the need - yes, you know what I mean! I'm trying not to think about laundry man but my McDreamy is out there somewhere!
I haven't been doing well with the exercising or the diet - I think I'm giving 40% effort on both the working out and the diet .... oh, excuse me.... lifestyle change! I've been living on lattes, cigarettes and toast for so long that to eat real food is sometimes a challenge. I just realized that I, once again, forgot to bring most of what I need for today but I am pretty sure I can get by while remaining healthy. Anyway, I haven't given up the coffee yet - I thought I was going to be able to stay away from the lattes but I've had 3 this week. So, no more lattes this week. In fact, I'm going to try to go without coffee tomorrow (can't say today because I've already had some) and do the green tea. It's good. I've done pretty well adding chicken, brown rice, fruits and some veggies back into the diet. My problem hasn't ever really been over eating - at least not for the last few years. It's just eating all the wrong things. I stopped eating meat but did not become a vegetarian! I became a carbitarian and got even bigger than I was before. So, I'm backing off the bad carbs (my yummy toast) and adding in the complex ones. As far as exercising goes, really all I've gotten done is some nice long walks and a lot of cleaning. I'm motivated to get this done, but not as motivated as I would like to be. Hopefully this weekend will be a turn around. It's spring cleaning weekend and I plan on getting everything done so it will be the last weekend I have to give up my time with the kids completely! I will try to prepare myself mentally today and tomorrow so that I can get it going!
So, I weighed and measured everything last Sunday. I will do that every Sunday and post my results and progress here. Maybe no one is interested now but I'm sure that someday I can help someone else lose weight so I don't mind writing it down and being accountable to someone.
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