The Last Year

I've been meaning to write about something for a while now but haven't gotten around to it. Luckily, my sister and sister-in-law have inspired me to give everyone an update and share the thoughts I have been meaning to share. I normally consider facebook to be my blog but this one will be a bit different. First, it's far too long to share on a status update. Second, it's really not for everyone to see - not at this point anyway. I wanted to share this with those that I know have gone through this, are going through this, or have been there for me at some point during this phase of life. Sometimes I wonder what others' experiences were like and I thought that you might wonder too so, here you go! A few of you were made aware of this because I thought you just might want to know. :)

It's been just over a year since my divorce was final. It's been a long road and so much different than I expected it would be. It is a long process, at least it has been for me, with different phases that come and go and just keep on coming. Just when I think I have it down, something else changes and I find myself adjusting again and learning a new lesson. Most of these lessons have come as a complete surprise to me and most were pretty hard. But when all is said and done, I am grateful for them and how much they have helped me grow. Divorce has been a tough teacher. In a way, she's a real bitch but she gets the job done! So, before you read on, know that's what this post is about - the things I have learned from this.

When the decision was made, I thought it would be easy, that I would never question it and that I would be fine. None of that turned out to be true. I was fine for a while, not fine for quite a while, and am now at the point of being fine with it again. For a while I couldn't say whether or not I had done the right thing. In a way, I still can't say it was the "right" thing to do. I know that most people say that we are both better off and we are both happier and it would appear that is true. Sometimes I still struggle with the idea of having divorced the father of my children and calling it right.

So, whether or not he and I were supposed to get divorced, I can't say. Are we supposed to make the mistakes we do in order to get where we need to be or does the Universe adjust to us and our choices and guide us? I really don't know. I do know that I'd like to do what I can to make sure it never happens again so I'm trying like hell to take the lessons I've learned and move forward. I had to laugh at some of the earlier posts on this blog (they have been deleted so don't bother looking for them!) because it seems that there are lessons I have to learn over and over again before I actually get it! I guess that, sooner or later, they will stick.

First and foremost, I have learned alot about anger and the need to be right. I know I don't always get there but I try. It is inevitable to have a point during this whole thing where you have to take a serious look at yourself and think about your own mistakes and the role you played in getting where you are. When I did this, I thought about all the things I wished I had not said, had not written or had not communicated at all. Most of it seemed to stem from a need to be right. The worst part about needing to be right is that needing to prove someone else wrong is what follows. I've seen this cause damage to so many relationships and not just in my marriage but in my friendships and family as well. We take ourselves and our opinions too seriously and I am no longer willing to alienate a good person from my life because they do not agree with me. When it comes right down to it, if we all agreed on everything, the world would be one seriously boring place and I think there would be no point to us being here.

I read a quote the other day on tact. It said "Tact is the knack of making a point without making an enemy." (Sir Isaac Newton) Now HE is right! I'm trying to learn to make any point I need to make tactfully. Usually this means I just keep my mouth shut or choose not to respond. Once in a while I slip and, well, I guess it's a work in progress!

I have learned that a good pair of in-laws is a thing to be cherished. I did not appreciate them when I had them in that relationship and I think they know that. I do now and I'm not sure they know that. They have been good to me during this and are excellent grandparents to my children. They are the best of people and I am happy to continue to have them in my life in any aspect that I can. I don't get to see them as often as I did now that my ex-husband isn't staying with them anymore. I would like them to know that I miss that, I miss them, and that is another change I have found myself needing to adjust to. If and when I do get remarried, I hope to have in-laws like them again. If I seem to put a lot more effort into having a good relationship with the new in-laws than I did with the former in-laws, it's simply because I don't want to make the same mistake again. Now when I look back, I can easily see that not trying to have a good relationship with them is one of the biggest mistakes I have ever made. I used to be able to write people off easily and truly not miss them when they were gone. Luckily, I can't do that anymore and they are the reason why. I tried not to miss them but I couldn't do it. There really ought to be a place in divorce papers for visitation arrangements to be made with the in-laws. :)

I've learned a lot about goal-setting. I've always set goals and had dreams but I've learned to be a lot more patient with myself than I had been. I would get so frustrated that I hadn't gotten to the point I ought to be that it just caused so many problems. I still have the same goals but I'm learning to take them one step at a time and appreciate where I am today. I ache for an education and am getting there. But, instead of being frustrated about how long it is taking, I instead try to appreciate the job I have and understand that I have gotten to know people there and have experienced things I would not if I already had the degree I want. I still get impatient sometimes. I'd love to conquer my fear of heights and some days I think I'd love to just run and jump out of a plane on a whim (with a parachute on, naturally and some idea of how to use it!). Some day I'm sure I will but, really, conquering the rides at Lagoon this year will be enough of a triumph if that is all that happens!!

I am learning to let the past be the past and understand that it is that way for a reason. I have been fortunate enough to reconnect with many old friends over the past year. For the most part, this has been a wonderful experience. Unfortunately, this has not gone so well with a few people. I think it's true that, for the most part, people enter and leave our lives when they are meant to. I know we all have roles to play in each other's lives and things to teach each other. This is not only helpful in finding peace with the divorce but I think it makes it easier to understand these connections to others and try and take them for what they are and appreciate them for what they are meant to be. Sometimes I find myself wondering why certain people haven't been there all along. It can take some time to remember that it was because they were not supposed to be or that it was not right for me and/or for that person. I'm learning to not only be ok with that but to be happy about it and not question it.

I've learned that I have everything I need. I am always provided for, always loved, and never alone unless I have chosen to be. I have two wonderful children, two wonderful sisters and a brother that love me. I have so many supportive friends and continue to meet new ones and have old ones come back (gotta love facebook!!!). I have a good job and good place to call home. When it comes right down to it, I want for nothing. As my good friend Neal put it this morning (well, yesterday morning now), everything I love is right here. Who could ask for more than that?

I have learned to be happy just to be me. I've dated a bit since the divorce. Not much, but some. I really don't think it's the right time for me. I'm looking forward to being single for a while. Not that I don't love men, I do! And it isn't that I don't believe in love or hope to get remarried some day. I do! I am just finding the drama that can come with dating and the amount of time it takes too much of a sacrifice for me at this point. Right now I'd just like to focus on being a better mother and working toward some of those goals I've put off for so long. I've never been single this long and I find that I'm actually enjoying it! I'm sure it will happen some day and, like I said before, the right person will come along when he is supposed to. It's nice to know that because it leaves me free to live life and not worry about it. I'm having so much fun right now and have so many good people in my life.

I know that many of you reading this have been divorced and understand how hard it can be. In talking to many of you, I have realized how lucky I am that mine went the way it did. We rarely have an issue with each other and never fight. We are usually cordial, if not polite, to each other. I think we've probably made each other angry a few times but it's nothing like some of the the stories I've heard. We have been able to put our children's happiness first and I think we both do well in making sure our children have good relationships with each other and our families. I think we've been able to find a good balance between letting go and still caring. I know this is not usually how it goes and I am soooooo grateful! My ex-husband seems to have found someone who is a good match for him and I am happy for him. I have only met her very briefly but she seems very nice and the kids like her. Again, I am so grateful for that because I know it could be a lot different.

I have to say that the time I did meet her, I was nervous as hell and was just trying not to look. I couldn't help but notice something. She had one of her daughters with her. I saw the way that daughter looked at my ex and could tell he meant a lot to her. All I could think about was the fact that I would have given anything to experience that growing up and it made me proud of my ex-husband. I don't know that it should have or if I read it right but it did.

Thanks to those of you who have been patient with me and good to me and there for me through all of this. If you read all the way to the end of this, you are one of the patient ones!

I think that's it for now!

Peace out!

Mother's Day

We woke up a little early this morning and Liam jumped out of bed, ran into his room and ran back into the living room. He set some stuff out for me on the table and then ran and jumped back in bed. He started laughing and giggling and wiggling all over the place and then told me to get up. He had given me a cute little envelope thing he made at school with hearts all over it and little coupons for things he has to do for me around the house, a note telling me how much he loves me and a picture of himself. It made me cry. He gave me a card that sings "You got the best of my love" and a gift card to go get a new CD. He was very excited and proud of the things he gave me and kept hugging me and telling me how much he loves me.

Then he poured me a bowl of cereal for breakfast and we sat down and ate together. Quincy kept feeding me and then started using her fingers to feed me soggy cereal. I loved every minute of it and feel like a very fortunate mother. Today has been such a good day.

I feel like a very fortunate woman too for other reasons. That's something I will write about later but I will just say that I think I could be the luckiest person alive.

It so rocks to be me!

Grief is a blessing

I started this post about a week ago when I was having a really hard time with the divorce and I did not finish it - didn't get past the title. But I think it's an important thing to write about.

I had been reading out of a book I have called Wisdom of the Ages by Wayne Dyer. It's basically a collection of writings by other authors, philosophers, etc. There is one that I have heard him use several times in speeches or books on tape that I have and I love it.

I saw grief drinking a cup of sorrow and called out, “It tastes sweet, does it not?” “You’ve caught me,” grief answered, “and you’ve ruined my business, how can I sell sorrow when you know it’s a blessing?”
Jalaluddin Rumi (1207 -1273)

(much of this post deleted...)

An old boss, Shona Cunningham told me when I found out I was expecting Liam that I would finally know what love was when I had him and she was so right. He and Quincy are so completely wonderful - sometimes I think they are all I need. I hope to find love again someday and be wise enough to recognize it when it is before me. Until then, my love for my children and my growing love and respect for myself will be more than enough to get me by.

Dustin's Grandfather

Dustin's Grandfather passed away this morning. He seems to be doing allright. I haven't talked to Dustin's parents at all but I'm sure they're grieving. Dean loved his father and so did Lani. They were very close. My heart goes out to them all.

My goals

I didn't really finish that last post - I ran out of time.

What I really want to write about these days are my goals and priorities. Maybe this is the place where I will keep track of how I'm doing. My two most important goals concerning myself are not smoking and losing weight. I've been on Chantix for a couple of weeks and it's helping. It's for the smoking and the idea is to block the cravings and I think it works well. The other half is just losing the habit so that's where I'm having a tough time. It's hard not to get up and leave my desk every few hours to go outside and inhale something so I'm trying to stretch the time I go out longer. If possible, I go walk around really fast for about ten minutes instead. I did OK yesterday while I was here (at work). I got a little irritable because I wanted everyone around me to be quiet! It gets hard to focus when you're dying to go out and smoke! But then I went home and went out with a cup of coffee. Before I knew it an hour had passed. I felt like hell and smelled like an ash tray. It was disgusting. Gotta watch that.

The weight loss is going... well, OK. My ultimate goal is 75 pounds which really is better than I thought it would be. It's hard to believe that there has been a time when that was closer to 100 so I'm considering myself lucky as far as that goes. I think I would be comfortable starting to date when I've lost 50. 75 pounds lost with being nice and toned and I think I would be smokin' hot! Still meat on my bones - still have curves but be in good enough shape to work it when I have the need - yes, you know what I mean! I'm trying not to think about laundry man but my McDreamy is out there somewhere!

I haven't been doing well with the exercising or the diet - I think I'm giving 40% effort on both the working out and the diet .... oh, excuse me.... lifestyle change! I've been living on lattes, cigarettes and toast for so long that to eat real food is sometimes a challenge. I just realized that I, once again, forgot to bring most of what I need for today but I am pretty sure I can get by while remaining healthy. Anyway, I haven't given up the coffee yet - I thought I was going to be able to stay away from the lattes but I've had 3 this week. So, no more lattes this week. In fact, I'm going to try to go without coffee tomorrow (can't say today because I've already had some) and do the green tea. It's good. I've done pretty well adding chicken, brown rice, fruits and some veggies back into the diet. My problem hasn't ever really been over eating - at least not for the last few years. It's just eating all the wrong things. I stopped eating meat but did not become a vegetarian! I became a carbitarian and got even bigger than I was before. So, I'm backing off the bad carbs (my yummy toast) and adding in the complex ones. As far as exercising goes, really all I've gotten done is some nice long walks and a lot of cleaning. I'm motivated to get this done, but not as motivated as I would like to be. Hopefully this weekend will be a turn around. It's spring cleaning weekend and I plan on getting everything done so it will be the last weekend I have to give up my time with the kids completely! I will try to prepare myself mentally today and tomorrow so that I can get it going!

So, I weighed and measured everything last Sunday. I will do that every Sunday and post my results and progress here. Maybe no one is interested now but I'm sure that someday I can help someone else lose weight so I don't mind writing it down and being accountable to someone.

Jesus is a Friend of Mine! Thanks, Joe, for sending me this. I still love it!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7-NOZU2iPA8

http://www.onpointradio.org/

This is my favorite talk show. I highly recommend it. Tom Ashbrook is awesome! He's going to be in SLC tomorrow for the KCPW fundraiser. I so wish I could go! You'll be seeing lots of his stuff here!